


Captain Cupid Cartman

by FandomRopes



Category: South Park
Genre: And this is just my idea of it, F/M, Hello he has a Cupid Me, Hes totally a shipper, I get so sick of eveyone making Cartman into a homophobe, Im mixing rare pairs and popular ships, M/M, lets get crazy! - Freeform, some ships are just mentioned, they are in highschool but underage to cover my butt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-01-21 18:56:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12463818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomRopes/pseuds/FandomRopes
Summary: Kyle finds an odd sketchbook and assumes its one of the Asian girls until he looks inside and doesn't see ANY Tweek x Craig fanart. What he does see makes his blood boil.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The name Ming Lee comes from an earlier episode of South Park. I think it's called Cow Days. It was when Cartman rode a bull and got hurt then thought he was a prostitute named Ming Lee.

“Hey dude, isn't that one of the sketchbooks the Japanese girls use?” Stan asked. He gazed down at the book in Kyle’s hands. 

“Asians. And yeah I think so? I was just gonna give it to Lisa Akimoto. She could probably know whose it is from looking inside.” Kyle responded. 

“Hey fellas!” Butters called from the sidewalk. They were leaving school for the day when he found the book on the ground in the hallway. “What’s that Kyle? Did ya commissioned one of the Asians for one of those doujin-thingies?” He pointed at the book. 

“No way dude. My parents have enough of the Tweek x Craig shit in the living room!” Kyle responded. “To be one hundred percent honest, that still kind of freaks me out that the Asians can just make people realize they’re gay.”

“I know what ya mean man. I’m just happy they chose Tweek and Craig and not me. Nothing against the gays or LGBTQ+ but I really love Wendy.” Stan responded. 

“Well, have ya looked inside to see which Asian girl it belongs to?” Butters asked. 

“No?” Kyle and Stan asked at the same time. Stan had an eyebrow raised in confusion. “How could you tell who it belongs to from looking inside? Do they have their names on the cover?” 

“Well of course not! But they all have a very different style from one another.” Butters reached for the book. “Lisa’s art looks hyper-realistic, Kelly’s look kinda like that “chibi” style, and Heather rarely finishes her pieces so her sketchbook would be filled with messy sketches.” 

Kyle and Stan shared a look of disbelief. “How do you know that Butters?” 

“Well, gee fellas I just- wait.” Butters turned the book in his hands as if looking at the art from a different side would change what he sees on the page… “Are you sure this is one of the Asians girl’s?” 

“Who else’s would it be? Why what’s wrong with it?” Kyle moved around Butters side to look over his shoulder. He stopped and gaped in amazement. “DUDE! THAT’S SICK!”

“What is it, guys? It can't be that bad.” Stan responded. He too moved around to gaze at the page and turned away, dry heaving as soon as he saw it.

“W-what do we do fellas?!” Butters dropped the book on the sidewalk. “D-do we give it back to ‘em?”

“Dude! I don't know!” Kyle yelled. “We should burn it before anyone else sees!”

“Dude, we can't do that! We have to give it back!” Stan yelled. 

“Easy for you to say STAN! YOU WEREN'T THE ONE IN THE FUCKING PICTURE!” Kyle raged back. 

“W-well, I think we should give it back Kyle!” Butters looked at the book on the ground. Luckily it closed when it hit the ground. 

“DUDE NO!” 

“If one of the girls is drawing it, most likely all of them are! They tend to ship the same eh… stuff.” Butters told him. 

“So who’s is it Butters?” Stan asked. 

“It doesn’t matter! I’m burning this before anyone, especially MY PARENTS see this!” Kyle said scooping up the book. He held it to his chest.

“Dude, you know that’s not the right thing to do!” Stan approached. 

“And drawing someone doing-” Kyle paused. He had trouble finding the right word for the situation depicted in the art. “THAT. With fucking CARTMAN, is? I should hand this to PC Prin-”

“He wouldn't stop it and you KNOW that Kyle.” Stan said gently. “Come on. We can go give it to the owner and then you can talk to them about maybe not drawing it anymore.” Stan put a hand on Kyle’s shoulder.

Kyle grit his teeth but handed the book back to Butters. “So Butters who the hell is drawing this nasty shit?!”

Butters opened the book again and took a good look at the first three or four pages of work. He furrowed his brow and tried to think. “I haven't seen work like this fellas. It’s too real and shaded to be Heather’s but it’s also not real ENOUGH to be Lisa’s. And its NOWHERE NEAR “chibi” so unless someone is experimenting with a new style. I just- I don't know. I'm sorry Kyle.”

“Great so you’re useless.” Kyle took the book back and threw it to Stan.

“Kyle, calm down. Don't take this out on Butters.”

“Yeah!” Butters added.

“Shut up Butters.” The two chorused. 

“W-well I’ll just head home then!” Butters cried indignantly and left. 

“Dude, let’s go to Lisa and ask her. She’s bound to know, then we can just return it ourselves.” Stan told Kyle. “It’ll be over before anyone else find out.”

Kyle sighed. “Fine dude, but we HAVE to stop this! And whatever happens, CARTMAN. IS. NOT. TO. HEAR. A. WORD. OF. THIS!” 

“Of course dude! I'm not stupid enough to tell Cartman.” Stan said as if he was offended Kyle even let that thought pass his mind. 

“Fine let's go try and find Lisa. Do you know where she lives?” Kyle asked. 

“No, but I’m pretty sure Wendy knows.” Stan said. He began walking away from the school hoping Kyle would follow him. “Dude, maybe Wendy would be able to tell who it belongs to?” 

“NO WAY DUDE!” Kyle screeched. “The fewer people that know about this the better! It’s bad enough BUTTERS KNOWS! I don't want someone else finding out. SHIT!” Kyle began running. 

“Dude WHAT!?” Stan called after him. 

“I didn't make Butters swear he won't tell anyone!” Kyle yelled. He took off in the direction of Butters house and Stan followed. 

“Dude! I doubt Butters would tell! And besides who would believe him!?” Stan called. 

“I don't know dude but I gotta be sure!” Kyle called back. They reached Butters house in record time and walked to the front door. “Okay, as soon as he swears not to tell we go to Wendy’s and ask where Lisa Akimoto lives.” Kyle told Stan under his breath.

“Sounds good to me dude.” Stan responded. He knocked on the door and they waited for it to open. 

“Hey dudes!” Kenny answered the door. His voice was as muffled as usual but they had gotten so used to deciphering him that it wasn't even a problem.

“KENNY!?” They both yelled at once. 

“What are you doing, he-” Stan was cut off.

“Has Butters told you anything?!” Kyle entered the house and grabbed Kenny by his hoodie. 

“What are you talking about man? Told me about what?” Kenny asked with his hands raised in surrender. 

“Dude. Kyle. Calm down. Kenny’s clueless. Let's just find Butters and get his word then leave.” Stan tried to calm him down. Kyle seemed to respond and let go of Kenny. “Have you seen Butters, Kenny? He knows something and Kyle wants to make sure he does not go around telling everyone.”

“He had to go to the bathroom. I was supposed to start our pro…” Kenny trailed off as Kyle walked to the bathroom and knocked. 

“Butters. It’s Kyle! I need you to promise me you won't tell anyone about the sketchbook!” He yelled through the door. 

“I promise I won't tell anybody about the sketchbook Kyle.” Butters called back. 

Kenny turned to Stan and raised an eyebrow. “So what is this sketchbook? Is it like a tit mag or some shit?” He asked softly. 

“I wish dude! That would be preferable to what it really is. Let’s just say you don't want to know.” Stan responded. 

“OH! Is it one of the Asian's doujins?! I love those things! They even have a few “straight” ones floating around! And let me say, they always skimp on the clothes, but never the boobies!” Kenny elbowed Stan and raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“Dude! That’s just sick! Wait!... They do this shit with STRAIGHT couples too!?” Stan’s eyes almost popped out of his head.

“Well, not all of ‘em. One in particular. Whoever she is, she jumps from ship to ship drawing whatever while most of the Asians still obsess over “Creek.” Kenny supplied.

“How do you know all this?” Kyle asked as he approached with the book again. 

“I bought a few! The author usually keeps things Teen Rated and Karen thinks the stories are cute!” Kenny went over to his school bag and pulled out one that said “Tokole: A Story of Overcoming Ultimate Adversity.” Kenny handed it to Stan. “The author seems to write exclusively in English and takes requests. Me and Karen combined our money to get this one!” 

Stan thumbed through a few pages. “Duuuude.” He exhaled. “This is Token and Nichole!” He showed a page to Kyle. “It’s like that time they got locked in the locker room together!” He exclaimed. 

“Dude! Who would draw that!?” Kyle yelled. “Who is that author?!”

“The book says….” Stan closed it and looked at the spine. “Ming Lee.”

“Why does that sound familiar?” Kyle asked. “None of the Asians are named Ming so who could she be? Who do you usually buy them from Kenny?” 

“Online dude! This girl sells these things en masse! She’s pretty popular.” Kenny opened his hand for Stan to hand the doujin back. 

“Hang on dude. Let's compare it to that sketchbook you found. See if the style is similar.” Stan reached for the sketchbook.

“Oh no! We can't even tell the other Asians’ work apart! And Kenny is here! Let's just ask Lisa!” Kyle clung tighter to the book in his hands.

“Kenny won't tell anyone! And besides, Butters can tell so we can just have him look when he gets out of the bathroom!”

“I promise dudes! I can keep a secret!” Kenny raised a hand by his head and the other to his heart. “I swear!”

Kyle growled but nodded once. “Fine! When Butters-”

“What’s up fellas? I thought you left?” He asked Kyle. 

“We need you to tell us if this author,” Stan held up the doujin. “Made this?” He pointed to the sketchbook.

“Well, I suppose I can do that. Let me see them.” Butters took the book and the sketchbook and laid them open on the table. The other boys leaned over him as he looked at the details and compared the lineart and shading. Kenny gasped when he saw the sketchbook and Kyle grit his teeth to keep from lashing out at him. “Hmm. I would say the sketches could be an early version of this. Most likely from the same person but one is a finished product, this one,” Butters pointed to the sketchbook. “Isn’t done, but it’s almost there.” He closed both and handed them back to their owners. “I hope that helped… You might still want to check with Lisa, she’d know better than I would.”

“Thanks, Butters that was great.” Stan took Kyle’s arm. “We can go now. See ya guys.”

“Wait!” Kenny called as Stan pulled Kyle to the door. “Are you sure that’s the only pairing in there? How far into it have you looked?”

“Dude, like that matters-” Kyle was cut off.

“Just look. Please?” Kenny placed his doujin back in his bag to keep it safe. “If anyone else is involved they might help your case.”

Kyle growled but sat next to Butters and opened the book once again. Kenny and Butters gazed over his shoulders and Stan leaned over the front of the book seeing it upside down. Kyle flipped quickly passed the first four pages depicting him and who the word bubbles named Eric Cartman. Then he flipped past the next six showing a continuation of the act until he reached a page with new people. 

It was someone named Wendyl wearing a bra thing of sorts and a strap-on… and Stan. “DUDE!” 

“DOESN’T FEEL GOOD DOES IT STAN!?” Kyle yelled. “At least Wendy is actually your girlfriend!”

“Okay, guys! Keep going!” Kenny pushed. 

“No way dude! I’ve seen enough!” Stan grumbled. 

“If Kyle could push through it so can you! Keep going, Kyle!” Butters egged them on. Kyle sighed and turned through the pages of Stan getting pegged until he found another couple. 

Kenny busted out laughing. “No” He panted. “No way!” 

Even Kyle cracked a smile at the absurdity of this pair. The page titled them “Kevlly.” Stan looked green at the depiction of his sister sitting on Kevin McCormick’s lap. Kyle gagged but didn't say anything and neither did Kenny or Butters to spare Stan from barfing. The next few pages were skipped until they got to a page merely saying “Bunny.”

Kyle flipped the page and everyone shut up. On the page was Kenny, laid out naked and there was Butters, straddling his hips with uncensored dick entering him. Butters began babbling incoherently and Kenny cleared his throat. “Just keep going.” 

“Dude! That’s you and BUTTERS how can you want to keep going!?” Stan asked. He had turned around completely and was resting his arm on the TV stand to steady himself. 

“It could be worse. Besides, only Japanese people make other people gay so as long as the other girls don’t start drawing it, we’re safe.” 

“Fine dude.” Kyle continued on with a red face. The next few pages were quickly skipped until a page showing the name “Kake.” Kyle turned the page and his face blanked. Kenny growled beside him and snatched the sketchbook from his hands. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?” He yelled at the top of his voice. “WHO WOULD DRAW THIS!?!?!?” He closed the book. 

“What? What now you guys?” Stan asked from his place over by the TV.

“Isn’t Ike like three or four?” Butters asked.

“Exactly!” Kyle stood. “Ike has already been targeted for this shit by his kindergarten teacher, I’m not letting the Asians push him into this!”

“Karen’s like five! She’s too young to date! I’m right behind ya dude!” Kenny had a death grip on the book. 

“Now all we have to do is take this to Lisa.”

“Are there any more pairings after that?” Butters asked. 

“It doesn’t matter dude. We have enough to-”

“Well, now I don't see why anyone would draw us like that. We aren't couples, well except Stan and Wendy, they’re a couple.” Butters pondered. “Can I see the book?” 

Kenny was tempted to say no but he handed it over. Butter flipped past the pages they already saw and kept going. “It looks like, all the names of these “ships” are just taking pieces from the names of the people involved and smooshing them into one word. There’s even one called “Stolovan” with Clyde and Kevin Stoley. There’s even one for Scott Malkinson and Jason!” He exclaimed. 

“Nobody cares Butters.” Stan, Kenny, and Kyle said at once.

“Well, I bet they would.” Butters said quietly.

“Now what guys?” Stan asked. “Are we going to find Lisa?” 

“Yeah man.” Let’s go talk to Lisa and see if she knows anything.” Kyle said.

“There’s no guarantee she will. Like I said, this girl operates on the web. There’s a chance the Asians are clueless as we are.” Kenny said. “But, maybe Kyle can track them through the website and find out where they post from. Like when Wikileaks was posting on Eavesdropper.”

“That’s a great idea, Kenny!” Stan commended. “You can do that, right?” 

“Well, yeah. I just need a phone and the web address.” Kyle said. “They also have to be online.”

“If we try to negotiate a commission they might come on. That should give you enough time right?” Kenny inquired. “Butters, can we use your computer?”

“It’s not a website I’ll get in trouble for right?” Butters asked he started rubbing his knuckles together nervously. 

“No way.” Kenny said. “It’s just a shopping site.”

“Well. Okay then, but if it’s bad you gotta delete it from my history. My dad will check and get sore if something’s there that isn’t supposed to be.”

“Okay guys, let’s go.” Stan moved up the stairs to Butters room. Kenny and Kyle were following and Butters brought up the rear. Once Kenny had booted up the computer, Butters typed in his password and let them do what they needed to while he further examined the art in the sketchbook. 

It truly was very good work. Even if the pages with Kenny and himself made him uncomfortable, it was still great art. And they even got his hair right! He wondered if Kenny actually was that handsome under his hood. 

“Dude! I got something!” Kenny got Butters attention. “They’re on! We are talking about prices! Kyle do your magic!”

“I’m on it!” Kyle said. He typed in the URL and started tracing it to the source. “This is one smart lady! She’s encrypted and routed through multiple different servers. Holy hell, why all the security?” Kyle grit his teeth. “Almost there…” 

“Come on, Kyle, you got this.” Stan said under his breath as he smiled at Kyle. Butters watched from his bed. 

“Dude, hurry. She wants to seal the deal.” Kenny said as he typed back to the girl on the other end of the computer.

“I'm trying! It’s narrowed it down to 5 blocks!” Kyle said as he continued to trace the source. 

“Shit! She’s gone!” Kenny said as the girl logged off. “Fuck dude, she demands payment upfront and refuses to negotiate for less than like 20 bucks!” 

“Well, Kyle? Anything?” Stan asked. 

“I narrowed it down to this street but that’s it!” Kyle sighed. “Damn, that’s better than all of South Park but still dude! There's a lot of houses on this street.”

“Guess we can narrow it down by Asian girls too.” Stan offered. 

“Wait.” Kyle turned to look at the room. “There are no Asians on this street. Everyone on THIS street has been in South Park just as long as us!”

“So you're saying it isn't an Asian girl shipping us?” Butters asked. “But why would anyone else draw us being all lovey-dovey?” 

“I don't know Butters but whoever it is, is probably sick in the head,” Kyle said. 

“So if it isn't an Asian girl how do we narrow it down?” Stan asked.

“We’ll just have to see who hangs out with them the most and cross-reference that with who lives on our street, minus us.” Kyle said. “And when I find out who was drawing erotic art of my little brother I’m gonna break everything they own!”

“Save some for me. Nobody should even be thinking about my sister like that!” Kenny growled.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle sat in the hallway at school the next day. The sketchbook was in his backpack, hidden inside a folder that was also inside of a binder. He was determined to keep it hidden from anyone and everyone, including its owner. 

Of course, the idea to post a flyer about it and offer to meet the person was prominent in his mind. It was overruled by the idea that the person could a) hire someone to get it for them b) call from a blocked number c) request it destroyed d) ignore it all together. So Kyle set up another plan with Kenny, Stan, and Butters that involved watching the Asian girls at all times of the day. They each had a notebook and documented as many people as possible that the Asians associated with. At the end of the day, they would convene and begin eliminating suspects.

Kenny would monitor Heather and her Korean friends. Stan was to watch Kelly and the Chinese girls. Butters would keep an eye on the Vietnamese girls and Kyle wanted to watch Lisa himself. He was even skipping class to watch her when he could. He wondered if Kenny was doing the same considering how angry he was to see his younger sibling drawn doing… THAT. Kyle’s mind kept wandering to the art in the book. Who the fuck would think he and Cartman made a good couple? Granted, there were still some people hung up on the rumor Cartman started when Nichole first moved into town, but still. Those people were all idiots in special education classes or lower classman girls.

He kept a close eye on Lisa and occasionally would jot down a name in his notebook. So far he had Craig, Tweek, Wendy, Lola, Nichole, and Corey Lanskin. Quite an odd bunch but he didn't rule anyone out yet. For all, he knew Tweek and Craig were in on it since the Asians helped them hook up. He kept a watch on Lisa all day until the bell rang. 

Now that school was over, he met up Kenny and Stan at the entrance to the school as planned. “Dude, where’s Butters?” He asked.

“Don't know. Figured he’d be here already.” Stan shrugged. “Maybe he got grounded again and had to go straight home.”

Suddenly Kyle’s phone vibrated and he looked to see a message from Butters.  
**Butters: One of the girls I was followin said she was giving art lessons to someone tonight. I followed her and you’ll never guess who is here!**

“He followed one of them to an art lesson.” Kyle told the others. He texted back.  
**Kyle: Who’s there Butters?** He waited for the reply and was surprised to get a picture. It was obviously taken from behind a corner at the community center but it was clear enough to make out. At the table where the Community Leaders usually sat was one of the Vietnamese girls and flanking her was Eric Cartman and Tricia Tucker. Both were holding pencils and both looked rather happy. “Dude! Look at this guys! Ill forward you the message!” 

“Dude! Is that Cartman?!” Stan yelled as his popped and his jaw dropped. “Cartman takes art lessons?! Why?!” 

“I don't know, but I think we should rule him out.” Kyle said. “Why would Cartman draw art of us fucking?”

“I wouldn't count Cartman out so easily.” Kenny disagreed from under his hood. 

“Why would Cartman want to draw that shit?!” Kyle asked incredulously. “He always says he hates me!”

“What does that have to do with anything? Remember the whole Imaginationland incident where he chased you across the country to make you suck his balls?” Kenny asked. “And in the art, Cartman is on top, maybe it's his way of humiliating you since he can't seem to do it enough in real life?” Kenny shrugged. “I’m just saying, don't rule him out.”

“Kenny? Do you know more than you’re telling us?” Stan asked. 

“What?! No! It was just an idea!” Kenny glared. “Don't forget I'm after this same artist for a reason.” 

“Let’s go guys. We can track our other leads until Butters tells us the art lesson is over.” Kyle turned away and sent a quick text to Butters asking him to notify them when they leave the lesson.

“So who are we going to talk to first?” Stan asked. 

“Let me the lists.” Kyle held out his hands for Stan and Kenny’s notebooks. He looked them over to see if there were any similarities. Stan’s list was actually a little longer than he thought it would be. He had gone through and crossed off anyone, not on their street.  
1.) Clyde  
2.) Bebe  
~~3.) Wendy~~  
4.) Craig  
~~5.) Heidi~~  
~~6.) Nichole~~

Kenny’s list was shorter but still good. He had little doodles around the borders of his page.  
1.) Craig  
~~2.) Tweek~~  
~~3.) Wendy~~  
4.) Clyde  
~~5.) Token~~  
“Well, it looks like Craig at least is on all three of our lists. Maybe I should ask Butters to send a picture of his?” Kyle said. Kyle pulled out his phone again and a message to Butters. The picture that popped up made Kyle raise an eyebrow. “Man, Butters is such an overachiever sometimes. Look at this.”  
Clyde Donovan- Monetary exchange; doujinshi purchase  
Bebe Stevens- brainstorm session for a previous commission  
~~Tweek Tweak- Meeting behind school during the third period purchased XL- pillow~~  
~~Wendy Testaburger- interview for school art show~~  
~~Heidi/ Nichole- advice on how anime characters deal with guys~~

“Dude. He took notes?” Stan furrowed his eyebrows. “Why does any of that matter?”

“Who knows? It is fucking Butters dude!” Kyle shook his head with a scowl on his face. “Let's just go, it looks like Clyde has visited all the Asian girls today. We can start with him.” They began their journey to Clyde’s house with Kyle in the lead. “How do we even talk to Clyde about this? Just walk up and ask if he knows the author named Ming Lee?” 

“What else are we gonna do?” Stan asked. “We can't show him the sketchbook!”

“I guess we can just ask everyone whose name isn't crossed off and see which ones have the strongest reactions.” Kenny offered. “Worst case we go through their rooms and see if we can find any evidence.”

“Dude, let’s just hope whoever it is, cooperates and agrees to never draw this crap again when we find them.” Kyle said. 

“So hey, I have a question.” Stan turned to Kenny. “You didn't seem bothered by the art of you and Butters. Like it was all fun until they involved your sister. Does it not bother you that someone here wants you to date Butters of all people?” 

“Eh. Like I said Ming Lee takes requests, if that is someone’s request then they’d draw it. What worries me is that either Ming Lee ships Karen with anyone, or she knows who does.” Kenny answered. “My plan is to either set this lady straight or find out who ships my sister and set that person straight.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“So hey dude, has Stan and those guys been to your houses lately too?” Clyde asked of his friends. “They knocked on my door last night asking about some Ming girl.”

“Oh GOD! What if they nngh show up to my house next!? I don't know about a Ming! They’re gonna torture me and thennnngh-”

“Oh no! What if they DO go to your house! That's such a scary thought! What will we do?” Craig asked. He was acting, made obvious because of his robotic voice.

“Oh god, it’s horrifying! I mean, we could probably fight them if you’re there; if not I could run to your house…” Tweek paused and took a deep breath. “I think I can set some traps… I’ll be okay, they wouldn't kidnap me over something like a lady named Ming.”

“That’s right. They probably just want some more yaoi and you can always call me and the guys. It’ll be okay.” Craig took Tweek’s hand and smiled at him. 

“So I take it that means Tweek hasn't been visited by those guys. Craig have you?” Clyde asked.

“Yeah. They came to my house asking if I knew anything about a new Asian in town making new pairings in their art. I told them to fuck off.” Craig shrugged. 

“Why didn't they veh-vvvvvvvvv- visit the rest of us?” Jimmy asked. 

“I’m not sure but Stan had a notebook in his hands. I couldn't tell if he was taking notes or crossing things off. Either way, I’m curious what it was.” Clyde moved a hand to his chin and scratched his peach fuzz bread. “We should try and get that notebook. See what’s really going on.”

“Nope. Every time I get involved with those assholes it’s trouble, Peru, fighting with Tweek, a guinea pig custody battle…” Craig trailed off. “Nope. I’m out. We should get to class. I’ll see ya at lunch, honey.” Craig walked away.

“Oh come on! Tweek, you’re curious right? You can distract them and I’ll grab their backpacks.” Clyde put his arm around Tweek’s shoulder. “There will be no pressure, just keep Stan and Kyle talking long enough for me to grab their notebooks.” 

Tweek twitched. “Jesus Clyde! That’s so much pressure!”

“It’ll be fine. Just ask Kyle about your math homework or something, he’s a nerd and once he gets started about schoolwork he won't shut up! It’ll be easy and if I get caught I won't hold it against you. Promise.” Clyde held his fist out. 

Tweek hesitated and fidgeted before he pounded Clyde’s fist with his own. “I-I can ask him about math homework. Are you going to take it while they are wearing their backpacks?” 

“Yeah, dude. I got skills.” Clyde said. 

“Wouldn't it be better to wait for like, gym?” Tweek asked. “NNNGH- then they will have deserted their bags and left a good opening for you.”

“That works too.” Clyde pouted. “But wait I don't have gym with either of them.”

“Ack- I do, Kyle and I have a pretty similar schedule.” Tweek said. “Ngh- Advanced placement classes will do that.” 

The bell rang making Tweek jump. “What if you just take their notebooks during that then? Then I can meet you after and we can look through them together.” Clyde saw Tweek’s look of unease. “It’ll be fine, just take a little longer to change than them and stuff them in your bag before you go out.”

Tweek shook and the two walked to their classes together. About two periods later Tweek and Clyde met outside the school, back between the dumpsters. “Did you get them?” Clyde asked when he showed up with Craig and Token. Tweek set his backpack down and opened it.

“Ngh- yeah!” Tweek whispered. “B-but I couldn’t find an actual notebook in Kyle’s so I took his whole binder. Jesus! I hope he doesn’t nnnngh need it!” 

“Dude! Awesome! Okay, let’s have a look what these assholes are up to!” Clyde reached for Stan’s notebook. “You guys go through Kyle’s binder.” Clyde gestured to the binder Tweek was pulling out of his backpack. Clyde thumbed through the pages looking for anything that wasn't math notes… 

“We got something!” Token exclaimed. 

“What is it!?” Clyde set the notebook down and looked over at Token holding a folder. 

“Ripped out notebook pages with a bunch of names on it, most are crossed off. There’s another one here on the other side labeled “What we know” and a list containing the name Ming Lee, a street name, and … Words? No those are … I don't know…” Token trailed off a showed it all to Clyde.

“We got something else here… a sketchbook?” Tweek raised his eyebrow. “What’s Kyle doing with a sketchbook?” He handed the sketchbook to Craig while he kept looking.

“I don't think it’s Kyle’s.” Craig said. He had the cover open and flipped the page.

“If it’s not Kyle’s why does he have it?” Tweek asked. Clyde had approached behind Craig and was looking over his shoulder.

“Dude! There’s no way that’s Kyle’s! But who’s is it?!” Clyde asked. He tried to snatch the book from Craig’s grip but Craig dodged by crouching to show Tweek. 

“What the hell!?” Tweek yelled. “Who would draw that?! They hate each other!” 

“Seems like this scenario is familiar huh babe? Except we were actually cool with each other before the yaoi came up.” Craig smirked at Tweek. “This time might be more entertaining. That, and there’s more. Keep flipping.” 

“JESUS!” Tweek screeched in surprise. “They even-nnnngh- named them!”

“What? Who are the ships?” Token asked. 

“Yeah who is in it other than Fatass and Kyle?”

“It looks like a couple people from our class, Kenny, and Butters… Stan and a trans-Wendy…” Tweek froze. Craig looked over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow. 

“Dude! Is that?!” Craig asked. He turned to Clyde. “That’s totally you and Davìd!” Clyde quickly looked over Tweek’s shoulder and gasped. 

“Dude! We don't even talk to each other outside of class! What the hell!?” 

“There’s more. Art of Token and Nichole. Art of Bebe and Red! Jesus! They even start crossing ships! Kenny and Kyle! Kyle and Stan!” Tweek stood with the sketchbook. “Have the other Asians been drawing this stuff?!?!”

“Tweek, there weren't any of us in there right?” Craig asked. Tweek shook his head. “Don't worry. This is for Clyde and Davìd to figure out.” He took the sketchbook and handed it to Clyde. “Next time ask someone else to get involved in your plans.” He whispered dangerously close to Clyde’s ear. “Tweek already has anxiety thanks to his caffeine addiction, he does not need to be a coerced thief.” 

With that Craig took Tweek’s hand and the two began walking back inside the school. “Hey Craig, yo-you don't think the Asians ship me with anyone but you, right? Ngh- I don't want to end up with someone like Kenny or Clyde. You’re the only one who knows me!”

“Easy Tweek. It doesn’t matter.” The halls were empty, class must be in session. Craig turns around and presses Tweek’s face to his shoulder. He uses a hand to hold Tweek there by the back of his head. “Even if they ship us with other people, I don't care, they shipped me and you first and that’s all that matters. You’re my Tweek and I’m your Craig.”

Tweek smiled into Craig’s shoulder. _What a sap. My sap._ “You’re right. Just because their ships cross doesn’t mean we don't belong together.”

They were interrupted by an angry and out of breath Kyle. “Have you guys seen my binder?” 

“Nope.” Craig answered and flipped him off. He dragged Tweek away and somewhere private before things could escalate. 

Tweek felt bad about stealing Kyle’s whole binder. He called back to Kyle. “ASK CLYDE!” He saw Kyle make a face but he turned back around to Craig. “Craig, who do you think that book belonged to?” 

“Don’t know. Don’t care. Come on babe. I know what will get your mind off it.” Craig turned a corner and pushed Tweek into a janitor’s closet. Honestly, The South Park adults were really stupid, they left everything unlocked, begging for some kids to take care of hormonal issues.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone, Im sorry my updates have been kinda slow across the board but there's a lot of shit going on right now so Im just going to post what I have for each story and paste this note onto them all. My sister had a mental break and refuses to see any visitors except for me. We can only hang out for an hour and the hospital watches us since she's possibly violent. It takes a lot out of me mentally to see that so... slow updates.

“YOU BUTT FUCKING ASSWIPES!” Kyle roared as he approached Clyde and Token. “Why the hell do you have MY binder?! And wh-” Kyle stopped and froze at the sight of the sketchbook, open and in their hands. 

“Listen, dude, we were just curious about why you were going around interrogating people!” Clyde held his hands up in surrender. “You can take your binder! But we have to find out who has been drawing these! I mean, ME AND DAVID?! And the fucking cross ships?! Have you seen everything in here?!” Clyde flipped open to a specific page and held it up. 

The drawing showed Kyle in dominatrix lingerie sitting in a chair with Kenny naked and on his hands and knees. Beside Kenny was Stan, he had his hands tied to the leg of the chair and was equally nude. To top it off there was a double ended dildo sticking out of his ass and Kenny wearing nipple clamps. “DUDE!!!”

“There’s a shit ton of shit like this in here! And a bunch of orgy style art in the back! Who the hell has these ideas?!” Clyde asked. He flipped a few more pages until he came to a highly detailed, fully colored and, shaded piece of art. It was Tweek laying over a desk in the school, Craig fucking him from behind as he gagged on Token's dick. Token was making out with Craig while being eaten from behind by Jimmy. Clyde was seated on the floor between Tweek and the desk and Craig was using both hands to hold Clyde’s head in place on Tweek’s dick.

Kyle’s jaw dropped. “That's just sick!” 

“Dude how do you think we feel?!” Token asked. “Show him the last one!”

Clyde was shaking as he turned the pages to the other work he had to show. This one was a work of Butters laying on a bed dressed as Marjorine, and next to him was Wendy. Both had their legs spread, Kenny was between Marjorine’s legs, balls deep, and Stan was pounding Wendy into the mattress. Kyle was shoving his dick into Kenny’s ass and fingering Stan’s, Wendy and Butters were making out and Stan was tweaking Wendy’s nipples. 

“Holy shit.” Kyle stared wide-eyed as he was damn near breathless in exasperation and shock. He never understood how Stan could get so emotionally worked up that he would puke. He understood now. He ran and bent over the dumpster. Afterward, he turned back to the others. 

“Let us help. We need to figure out who is doing this before the other Asian girls see this.” Clyde insisted. 

“That’s what we were trying to figure out before you assholes STOLE my fucking binder!” Kyle grabbed his binder off the ground and snatched the folder and sketchbook from Token and Clyde respectively. “We had a few leads but we ran out of time to investigate them last night.” 

“Then let us help. We are in that book too! REPEATEDLY! Let us help find who made it.” Clyde insisted. Kyle turned around and sighed. 

“If you want to help meet me back here at the end of the day. We can go and talk to the leads tonight.” Kyle turned around and went back into the school. **Kyle: Clyde and Token saw the sketchbook. Bastard stole my binder. They want to help** He sent the message to Stan, Kenny and Butters. 

**Stan: Nd ur okay with that?** Was the reply.   
**Ken: I don't relly care as long as they don't get in the way**  
**Kyle: I'm hoping the more people we have the more intimidating we can be. Besides. The art gets worse.**

Kyle spent the rest of the day trying to think who could have had a chance to take his binder since he didn't have many classes with Clyde or Token…. Who else had seen the contents of the sketchbook? He kept telling himself it didn't matter as long as they found out who drew the art and stopped them.

After school, their now larger group met outside the school. “Okay, listen, everyone, yesterday we were only able to talk to Clyde and Bebe. SO that means today we need to talk to Craig and Cartman.” Kyle announced to a group now consisting of himself, Stan, Kenny, Butters, Clyde, Token, and Jimmy.

“Why did you only make it to Clyde and Bebe if you had more people to question?” Token asked. Clyde elbowed him. “Ow. What? It's a good question.”

“My parents called us back because it was dark.” Kyle sighed. “Look it doesn't matter we just need to-”

“Duuuh- Doesn't anyone think it's a little oo-oood-odd. That Cartman is the ONLY person not iii-iin there?” Jimmy asked.

“Dude when did you get here?!” Clyde yelled. 

“Craig told me about the ske-skeeeetches and you invited me, Clyde,” Jimmy answered. Kyle and Stan pinched the bridges of their noses. 

“Jimmy, what was that about Cartman?” Kenny asked. 

“He's the only puh-person who is only in the two-person pairings. He’s never in the multi-person orgy art. And the only p-puh-peeeer-person he’s ever paired with is Kyle.” Jimmy pointed out. The boys opened the sketchbook to confirm it and (after passing it around because they could only stand a few pages of butt fucking each other before they had to pass it off and Kyle and Kenny didn't want to see their siblings like that!) sure enough. Cartman only ever appeared with Kyle and was always top. 

“We should talk to him first.” Kenny decided. “Everyone. We go together, it will intimidate him into giving us an honest answer since no lie will work for all of us.” He began walking with the others following him. Kyle stayed back a little with Stan. 

“Dude, what if it is Cartman?” Stan asked. He was making Kyle more nervous. “Do you think he has some type of crush on you? Or is this like, him trying to prove he’s better than you in some weird way?”

“I don’t know dude. Knowing Cartman this is just some way of feeding his ego.” Kyle tried to shrug off the thought but it kept coming back the whole walk to Cartman's house. Kenny banged on the door while Kyle and Stan moved to the front of the group. Kyle waited with everyone for a good five minutes before he pounded again, louder than had. **Thump Thump Thump** “CARTMAN! Come out here!” He screeched. And, as if his voice was a magical summoning tool they heard a slam upstairs.

There was the noise of stomping from the other side caught their attention and then the door was ripped open. “WHAT?!” Eric Cartman yelled in their faces. He had the same brown hair as always, his new bright red Winter jacket hung open and he wore nice loose blue jeans. What caught their attention, however, was his t-shirt… It was clearly drawn on with a mixture of permanent markers and fabric dye, used to draw a gay couple, this time being Jimmy and Timmy… Kyle just stared at it, Jimmy gasped, Clyde and Token had dropped jaws, Kenny was giggling and holding onto Butters for support and Stan was retching like he might vomit. 

“Dude.” Token marveled as he stared. Cartman glanced down and blushed heavily.

He spluttered for a little bit, trying to make excuses before he realized by looking at them that wasn't going to work. His face grew redder and he went to slam the door. Jimmy shoved a crutch in the door jam preventing it from closing. “We’re coming in Cartman!” Kyle yelled as he and Stan shoved the door open hard enough to send Cartman back.


	4. Cartman

Cartman sat on his bed while Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Butters, Clyde, Token, and Jimmy stood opposite him. They had Butters going through his computer. Kenny and Kyle were interrogating him. “So fatass, what the hell is with the ship art?” Kyle started.

“Why I have no clue what you gentlemen are going about.” Cartman feigned innocence. He turned his nose up and closed his eyes. At this point he figured they had nothing on him but a shirt. Until Kenny held up a sketchbook with lots of drawings. He sat beside Cartman and flipped past each page until he came to the art of Karen and Ike.

“So Fatass, you've gotten art lessons from the Asian girls? And you wear that shirt…” Kyle went on. “And yet this?! Isn't your work?” He had Kenny raise the book.

“Dude. Just tell us.” Clyde insisted. “You know we’re gonna find out either way right?”

“I have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about.” Cartman looked away from the book. Kyle’s anger made his blood seeth and he grabbed Cartman by the front of his shirt. 

“Listen here Fastass! We KNOW it’s you drawing this shit! Just fucking stop!” He gave Cartman his best glare but Cartman shrugged and pushed his hands off. 

“Really gentlemen, what proof do you have it’s me? Just because I take art lessons doesn’t mean I’m trying to pair up my friends based on their personality types and chemistry…” Cartman smiled. “And I don't think it would a bad thing if someone was. They’re just spreading love to people who belong together. Now unless you have some proof, I’ll have to ask you to leave.” Each word was sugar coated with smug victory and the others began leaving. Butters, Kenny, and Kyle left last. 

Kyle growled and tried to control his temper. He was going to get proof Cartman was Ming Lee, then he was going to shove each individual page of that damn sketchbook down his throat. He just needed to wait for the cover of nightfall.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Meanwhile back in his room Cartman sat at his computer. “Hurry Cupid Me, we have to activate phase two earlier than planned.” He typed away at his computer sending email after email. He couldn’t let months of observation, sore drawing hands, and a sore back be all for nothing, 

He would send only the best. He had hoped to have time for experiments to verify chemistry between his subjects, but their little discovery made that impossible. He picked eight ships. Only eight, and sent art to the Asian girls. 

His whole plan hindered on the Asian girls picking up his ideas and making them a reality. He picked his fluffiest art to send, ones with lazy cuddles, sweet loving kisses, and playful happy banter. He sent it all from his pen name email address so he wouldn't be associated with it. He couldn’t have anyone getting proof. 

“Okay the emails are sent Cupid Me. Hopefully by tomorrow the Lisa and Heather will have the others drawing the art.” Cartman smiled up at his cherub self. 

“Oh that would be sweet Eric! Can I help? Can I?” Cupid Me begged. 

“Alright Cupid Me. Just be careful, if our friends found it was us drawing that yaoi they might not fall in love!” Cartman opened his window and let Cupid Me fly out.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Kyle crouched and hid behind bushes on his way to Eric’s house. He had to be stealthy, it was late after all, and if he were spotted he knew that would end any chance of getting his proof. He grit his teeth. How dare the Fatass make art of him or Ike! He would get proof and then have him arrested for sexual harassment or some shit!

He entered Cartman’s yard and scanned the area. It was clear so he worked his way up the steps and to the door. He was about to pick the lock when a hand touched his shoulder and another went over his mouth. “Easy dude. It’s just me.” Came Kenny’s voice. It wasn’t muffled like it usually was and it caused Kyle some confusion.

Once Kenny let him go they faced eachother. “Kenny what are you doing here?” Kyle asked. 

“Dude, fuck proof. That fat bastard was drawing erotic pictures of my sister! I’m here to fucking kill him!” Kenny growled. Kyle’s eyes widened slightly. He always knew Kenny had a bit of a heroic, brave streak in him but to see it with his own eyes… Like really see it without a hood or mask in the way was kind of scary. 

“Same here dude!” Kyle shrugged. “I was going to pick the lock and steal his computer to get proof he’s Ming.” Kyle turned around again and crouched down to pick the lock. 

“I’m going through the window.” Kenny said and then he walked away to a tree in Cartman’s backyard. Kyle stared after him them sighed and followed. He knew if anyone could break into Cartman’s house it was Kenny. His mysterion days never truly ended for him. He watched Kenny scale the tree with ease and tried to follow. Kyle had way more trouble with the climb than Kenny did and when he finally did make it Kenny was already taking quick and silent steps out the branch leading to Cartman’s room. 

The window was already open and Kyle watched as Kenny grabbed the top and swung his feet inside before letting go. Kyle tried again to copy him but instead he ended up hanging from his legs and hands. He used his hands to pull him along the branch and then tried to climb to the window. Kenny reappeared and offered him a hand. 

Once inside Kyle moved to the computer and began unplugging cords. He lifted the heavy tower in both arms and began leaving when he noticed Kenny was still moving quietly around the room. He raised an eyebrow and watched as Kenny glided like a shadow around the room. He couldn't see what he was doing but that didn't matter. Kyle left Kenny to his revenge and made his way downstairs as silently as possible. He practically ran across the living room opened the door and stepped into the night. He hoped Kenny would close the door for him. 

As soon as Kyle got home he began going through the files on Cartman’s computer. Mostly they were harmless, or asinine plans that could never come to fruition. Well, most of them. Kyle found a file embedded in Cartman’s background picture and when he clicked on it everything became clear. 

Numerous cards with a name at the top and an analysis of the person pictures beside it. Like a page on a dating profile. Kyle shivered. His own was a helluva lot nicer than he thought it would be. It listed his favorite color, food, band, and even traits that made him desirable. Among the desirables was “Cute bubble butt” in bold letters. 

He simply stared in confusion before clicking the next. This one was Stan, and noted among the desirables was “Bulging biceps and ripped calves.” Again Kyle was dumbfounded. He spent all night looking over each card trying to figure out Cartman’s play. He ended up printing them all out and tacking them to the wall like a police case. 

He used the disgusting sketchbook as a reference, taking note of which pairings were drawn the most and which were finished drawings or sketches. He used a string to connect the tacks of each pair that was most likely his favorites. Knowing that he could stop whatever the hell Cartman’s plans were.

The most drawn seemed to be Kenny and Butters. Almost all of the art was sweet and loving. Second place went to Kyle and Cartman much to his utter disgust. Third was Token and Nichole so he didn't worry to much. It was when he got to four that he had to grit his teeth and connect Ike’s picture to Karen’s. Next was Stan and Wendy, and it was always trans-wendy as Wendyl. Kyle pressed on and by morning he had a spider web of red string all over his wall. 

He was tempted to stay home from school today, having stayed up all night, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed. He went downstairs and out the door to school. He was apprehensive for some reason. There was tension in the air as his feet carried him forward. He ran into Butters on the way and they began talking on their way there. Kyle tried to push the feeling away, blaming it on his tired brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to discontinue this since I had like no inspiration for it, and then I looked at my stats and it's my most popular story so I may as well find a way to finish this hot mess.


	5. Has

Kyle laid his head tiredly on his desk. Today was gonna be a shit day. He could feel it in his gut, something was going to go wrong. He closed his eyes to rest them. 

He was trying to relax when he heard giggles behind him. He attempted to block it out but there was a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see Lisa Akimoto standing by his desk. “I just wanted to let you have the first page.” she smiled and walked back to the girls. 

He flipped the page over and saw comic style boxes at the corners of the pages. It was a manga that much was obvious, but the characters were himself and Eric Cartman! It was well drawn, colored, shaded, and realistic. Kyle gaped as he read the words bubbles. 

Playful banter between them filled those spaces. Words that they usually said to each other but written to be more lighthearted. Kyle’s blood ran cold. The sketchbook was safe in his binder how could they have seen it?! Oh dear Lord, why did they have to pair him with CARTMAN?! 

He stuffed the page in his binder with the sketchbook. He would talk to the others later and see what's going on. As soon as class let out Kyle sprinted to the science wing bathroom and sent a group text telling everyone to meet him there.

Kenny, Butters, and Stan were already there. “Guys have the Asian girls talked you guys at all today?!” 

“No? Why? What's up?” Stan asked. Kyle groaned. He pulled out the page Lisa had given him.

“Lisa gave me this. Before class started, she said it's the first page!” Kyle let Stan take the page from him. “They could’ve picked anyone in the whole school and they pair me with that fucking Fatass!” 

“Do you think this means they saw the sketchbook?” Kenny asked. Kyle shrugged.

“It would make sense. I mean who else would ever think me and Cartman would make a good couple?! I'm not even gay!” Kyle yelled. Clyde burst through the door with Token, Jimmy, and Kevin right behind him. 

“What's going on?! What did we miss?!” Clyde asked. Kyle sighed and locked the door. 

“Someone may have shown the Asian girls the sketchbook.” Stan informed them. He passed the page Kyle had showed him to them. “Lisa Akimoto made it, and give it to Kyle.”

“Dude, you're joking right?! They chose you and Cartman out of all the ships in there? What the fuck?!” Clyde exclaimed. He passed the page around and let everyone see.

“S-ssssuh-so should we assume that any of us could be their next muse?” Jimmy asked. Everyone looked silently at the floor. 

“Well, at least we don't have to worry about Stan, he's already dating Wendy.” Kevin added. “And Token is dating Nichole…”

“Some of us had siblings in that sketchbook.” Kenny growled. “No offense against your brother Kyle, but Karen is too young.”

“Dude, Ike is younger than she is! Neither should be dating!” Kyle responded. 

“Dude, you don't think they’ll ship Shelly with your brother do you?!” Stan went pale. 

“I don't fucking know!” Kyle screeched.

“Everyone just calm down!” Token cut through them. “Just think about this, the Asians were completely right when the picked Tweek and Craig right? Maybe they know what they're doing.”

“My sister is too young!” Kenny yelled.

“She's not in elementary school anymore Ken, she's like fourteen now.” Token added. “And Kyle, Ike may only be eleven but he's in sixth grade! He's much more mature than you think. Just try to relax about this…” 

They could all practically hear Kenny and Kyle’s teeth grinding. “Token has a point, besides they might not even pick anyone else.” Clyde shrugged. 

Everyone took a collective deep breath and let it out. Kyle did not. Kyle seethed and left the bathroom on a mission. He stalked down the halls, eyes scanning, muscles taught, ready to fight. 

The bell rang and he found his prey. Before the fat bastard could rush to class Kyle grabbed him by shirt and pulled him into a nearby janitorial closet. “You fat fuck! What did you tell the Asian girls?!” He growled.

“I didn't tell them anything! What the hell is your problem anyway?” Cartman yelled back. Kyle growled and pushed Cartman back against the wall. He invaded his personal space, getting in his face.

“Listen you piece of shit I said it in fourth grade, and I'll say it now! Stop telling people we’re in a relationship!” Kyle shoved him back and let go of his jacket. “Like I would ever date a fat bigot with delusions of grandeur. Not to mention the time you dressed up as Hitler! You've tried to kill me too many times to fucking count!” Kyle clenched his hands into fists. It took all of his control to not punch Cartman.

Cartman smirked. “Really? Because I seem to remember you trying to break me away from every girl I've dated. Or the time we nearly drown in that cave chasing man-bear-pig with Al Gore. You were sinking trying to get me out of the water yet you didn't let go.” Cartman stepped closer to Kyle.

“Just because you piss the fuck off doesn't mean I want you dead! But don't think because I want you alive means I'm in love with you!” Kyle growled. He turned around towards the door.

“But you admit you want me in someway…” Cartman whispered. Kyle could practically hear the triumphant smirk in his voice. “And what about the girls, huh, Kyle? What's your logic for that?” Cartman asked.

“Because you're a fucking psychopath! Those were nice girls and you were being a complete ass to them! They deserved better! Just shut the fuck up! I do not want you in anyway!” Kyle grabbed the knob and Cartman put a hand over his. 

“Running away Jew?” He was so close, breath ghosting over Kyle’s ear and stomach pressed to his back. Kyle began to sweat, his nerves on edge.

“Back the fuck off fatass!” Kyle moved to elbow him in the stomach but Cartman stepped away and the elbow didn't connect. The force Kyle used spun him around to glare at Cartman.

“You're blushing, Jewboy. Could I have gotten a reaction?” He teased. “Perhaps embarrassed at how right I am?”

“Fuck off! I'm late for class.” Kyle gripped the knob and turned. It didn't move. The door was locked. He was trapped in a dim closet alone with Eric Cartman.

“What's wrong Kyle?” Cartman teased. He stepped closer and wrapped Kyle’s short figure in his big arms. Lots had changed between them since fourth grade, but Cartman was still fat. Now he was just tall enough to have a head over Kyle. Kyle grunted and tried to shake him off.

“Let go of me Cartman!” He yelled. There was a chuckle and Kyle growled in anger. His leg kicked back trying to take out a kneecap. Cartman moved and when he closed his legs he had Kyle’s leg trapped between them.

“You can keep trying to fight this Kyle but we both know it’s as inevitable for us as it was for Tweek and Craig.” He spoke softly right into Kyle's ear. 

“No it's not! Some stupid fucking art does not make people gay!” Kyle got an arm free and tried to elbow him again. Cartman leaned back, not letting go of Kyle’s leg. Kyle swayed off balanced on one leg. 

Once Cartman pressed close again he helped Kyle balance. Then he caught Kyle's free arm and pulled them into a tight “x” over his chest. “There we go. All wrapped up and helpless.” Kyle shuddered as a nose nuzzled into his neck. 

It was always the most sensitive spot on him. “Stop that you bastard!” Kyle’s voice wavered and he felt the absolutely smug smile on Cartman’s face against his skin. 

“Do you really want me to stop, Jew?” Cartman kissed his neck. Kyle gasped. The only thing running through his head was _Fuckfuckfuck._

“Y-yes. Stop.” Kyle tried bending himself forward to break free he thrashed his body side to side as he struggled. Cartman laughed and bent with him. 

“Give up Kahl.” He whispered. Kyle grunted and went off balance again. Damn Cartman was still holding leg. This time Cartman leg go entirely and Kyle fell to the ground. 

“I will kick your ass if you try that again!” Kyle yelled. Cartman smiled and there was a glint on his teeth.

Cartman pulled it back in his mouth. “Do you want the key to get out?” He asked. Kyle grit his teeth and extended a hand for the key. Cartman turned his head like a confused puppy.

“Oh Kyle, I'm not going to give it to you so easily.” Cartman purred. “You'll have to take it.”

“Gladly.” Kyle raised a fist to strike. As he brought it towards Cartman he dodged around his back. Before Kyle could recover he was pressed against the wall and Cartman was breathing in his ear. 

“Now then Kyle, you don't have arms or legs to use.” Cartman's vocal cords vibrated against the flesh his shoulder and Kyle shivered. “How will you take the key now?” 

Kyle glared over his shoulder at the shit eating grin on Cartman’s face. “You will not get me to kiss you, if that's what you’re trying to hint at. Now let me go you fat bastard!” 

“Well then it looks like you're stuck here.” Cartman began kissing at his neck and nibbling his skin. Kyle groaned and immediately flushed red. He had to get out of here. Fucking, as soon as he had the key he would pummel Cartman to a bloody pulp and leave him here.

“Fucking look at me.” Cartman’s head raised from his neck. 

“Yes, Kyle?” He whispered. Kyle shuddered against the wall. He turned to look at Cartman with the most defiant expression he could muster. He wished he could shoot lasers from his eyes and just smite Cartman where he stood. Instead Cartman was using his immense weight to his advantage and Kyle was about to submit. 

Kyle pressed his lips to Cartman’s. It was just supposed to get the key, he was going to dart his tongue in and pull it to his own mouth. However, Cartman hadn’t gotten that message. He annoyingly kept his mouth closed to Kyle’s tongue and instead nibbled his lips. Kyle grunted and tried again, rubbing his tongue against Cartman’s mouth. Cartman’s hands wandered down his chest and under his shirt to play with the trial of hair below his navel. His mouth remained closed and Kyle bit his lip. Cartman finally opened his mouth and Kyle reached in with his own tongue. He carefully explored under Cartman’s tongue, between his lips and teeth, and all the rest.

Kyle yanked himself back. He was panting, his face burned in embarrassment and anger, as Kyle prepared to rip Cartman a new asshole. Instead Cartman’s head dove to his throat and bit down. Kyle moaned against the wall. Then Cartman backed off, his heat and weight removed from Kyle’s back, and the door opened. Kyle turned around ready to pounce and punch the shit out of the fatass but he was already walking away. “See ya around, Jew!” He called over his shoulder.

Kyle was tempted to chase him down, but he didn't. That what Cartman would’ve wanted, and he wouldn’t let Cartman win.


	6. A Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel kinda bad this chapter is mostly dialogue and texting but hey it will advance ;)

Butters walked to his next class. He had that particular class with some of the Asian girls, and he was terrified of who they paired him with. He expected it to be Kenny, like the art in the sketchbook. So when Heather handed him the first page of her latest work in progress and it wasn't Kenny he was cuddled close to, he was absolutely lost and slightly terrified.

The sketchbook had a few finished pieces with Butters and the other boy on the page, but not nearly as much as him and Kenny. Butters stared at the page with awe and confusion. What would happen when the other person on the page saw the art? Would their girlfriend scratch his eyes out? Butters wanted to curl up and hide. He looked to see how much longer class was and realized it JUST started.

He looked at his phone to see if there were any messages from the guys. He figured he better tell them before they found out from anyone else.  
**Butters** : I found out one of the other pairings…  
**Kenny** : Yeah? Who are they?  
**Clyde** : Please say it’s not me!  
**Butters** : All I can say is, they aren't using the ships we expected…  
**Clyde** : FUCK. Who are the victims Butters?  
**Kenny** : Just tell us man.  
**Token** : You have piqued my interest.  
**Jimmy** :Oh shit, so who is it then?  
**Butters** : Me…  
**Kenny** : and?...  
**Butters** : … Stan…

The rest of class he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Multiple messages from almost everyone in their group chat. The only ones who hadn't seen the messages were Stan and Kyle. After class Butters ran and hid in the bathroom. He couldn’t let Wendy find him until he was sure it was safe.

As he waited for the bell to ring he wondered why the Asian girls would ship him with Stan. They didn't exactly have much in common. Stan was pretty well built, football muscles all over. Butters was pudgey from too many sweets and not enough activity. Stan was indifferent to most things, Butters worried about everything. Stan was a bit of a pessimist, Butters tried to always see the bright side. 

They seemed like polar opposites, so why would the Asian girls pair them together? He looked at his phone to see what the guys were saying.   
**Kenny** : Dude, has Wendy seen it yet?  
 **Clyde** : That was unexpected.  
 **Token** : So wait, they paired Stan with you even though he has a girlfriend?  
 **Jimmy** : Do you think he’s bi?  
 **Kyle** : Doubtful, but then again he and Wendy are on and off.  
 **Jimmy** : That’s true.  
 **Clyde** : What about you Butters? Does Stan stir something in you?  
 **Kenny** : Dude, you’re still bicurious right?  
 **Token** : This conversation is getting weird  
 **Kenny** : Nah. Tell us! Has the art stirred your thoughts?  
 **Clyde** : Presented some new ideas to consider?  
 **Stan** : Will you all shut the fuck up?  
 **Kenny** : OH SHIT. I'M OUT.  
 **Stan** : wtf Kenny?  
 **Kyle** : read up.

Butters holds his breath as he waits for any response. He skips his class because honestly this was pretty important. That and he had Wendy this period and he was too young to die. When his phone finally vibrates he unlocks it slowly.  
 **Stan** : wtf? I have a girlfriend! Why would they think I’m gay?  
 **Kenny** : No comment.  
 **Stan** : fuck you kenny  
 **Kyle** : Stan, can you meet me in the science wing bathroom?  
 **Stan** : Sure? Why?  
 **Kyle** : Just need to fucking vent. And I think you do too.

Butters raised an eyebrow at that. He was in the science wing bathroom. Kyle and Stan would be here any minute, but he didn’t move. He knew eavesdropping was bad but he was curious so he stayed. When he heard the door open, Butters raised his feet onto the toilet seat and listened.

He heard the door lock behind them. “So what’s this about Kyle?” Stan asked.

“Dude, Cartman kissed me.” Kyle spoke low and angry. Butters had to cover his mouth to keep quiet. That was unexpected and now that one couple was happening he worried for him and Stan.

“What?!” Stan yelled.

“I pushed him into the janitor’s closet and told him to stop with the shipping stuff and he just started kissing my neck. Fucker locked the door and tricked me into kissing him!” Kyle yelled.

“Why the fuck would he do that?!” Stan asked. Butters could hear the confusion in his voice, and couldn't deny he felt the same.

“I don't know! We hate each other!” Kyle sighed. “This has to be some plan… He’s up to something Stan. I can feel it.”

“Then what would make him ship me and Butters?” Stan asked. Butters listened even closer. He wanted to know the same thing.

“I haven’t figured that out yet.” Kyle mumbled. “I just wonder who will be next.”

“Me too. I was so sure it would be Butters and Kenny.” Stan’s voice was soft, barely audible to Butters.

Then Kyle asked “So, is there any chance you like Butters?” There was silence and some shuffling.

“I’m not gay. Butters is just a friend, man. I love Wendy.” Stan said. Butters felt oddly disappointed. “I mean, we’ve been dating since elementary school… Breaking up now makes it feel like I wasted her time.”

“What is she gonna do when she sees the yaoi?” Kyle asked. “I mean, how would she handle the possibility of you leaving her for a guy?”

“Dump me most likely. She seems crazy sometimes, but I think she would accept it. If it were true… But come on, me and Butters?” Stan’s voice carried disbelief. “We’re polar opposites in almost every way.”

“So were Tweek and Craig…” Kyle mumbled. “Opposites attract dude.”

“So are you and Cartman opposite enough to attract?” Stan grumbled back. There was an angry huff and then silence. Butters hoped they weren’t done.

“So what are you gonna do now?” Kyle asked. Stan sighed and both Kyle and Butters waited for an answer.

“I don't know? I guess I’ll wait to see how Wendy reacts…” Stan seemed confused. And Butters had to admit he was too.

“And if she dumps you? Will you go out with Butters?” Kyle asked.

“Would you ever go out with Cartman?” Stan challenged.

“That's different, you and Butters don’t hate each other. You two are friends. In fact most of the time, he agrees with you.” Kyle answered. 

There was a large sigh and then the door opened and closed again. Butters assumed they left and let his feet down to leave his stall. He stopped short when he noticed Stan still in the bathroom looking in the mirror. Their eyes met in the reflection and Butters began trying to explain himself. “Well -well I was just-”

“Butters shut up.” Stan sighed. He rubbed his temples in circles and pinched his eyes shut. Butters saw his jaw clench and rubbed his knuckles together. “How long have you been in here?”

“Uh, since the middle of last period…” Butters looked down at his feet and shuffled them back and forth. “I’m real sorry about all this Stan.”

“It’s not like you asked for this. Neither of us did. My dad told me a long time the Asians pick who they pick and that’s that.” Stan sighed. “I never believed it, even after Tweek and Craig…. But Cartman kissing Kyle?! What the absolute fuck is going on?” Stan set his arms on the counter and put his head on them. “So, I’m willing to give it a try. One date. Just, let me talk to Wendy before we agree to anything alright?” He looked exhausted. “I don't want to hurt her.” He sighed sadly.

Butters pat his shoulder. “You don't gotta do that Stan. Really, We don't have to go out or nothin’.” He gave Stan a reassuring smile (that was adorably a little too high on his face) and pat his shoulder again.

“We can’t fight it. Tweek and Craig tried that and look where they are now. Still happily together… I’ll try it, once, see how it goes.” Stan stood straighter and met Butters eyes. “Just, don't tell anyone yet. I don't want Wendy thinking I cheated on her or something.” 

Butters almost completely missed what he said. He was too busy examining Stan’s eyes. He had never noticed before how icey blue they are. “Yeah. That’s fine.” He answered. He watched as Stan turned to leave before he walked out himself.

He texted Tweek and asked to meet behind the school. He needed advice.


	7. Clenny?

Kenny sat in class, waiting for an Asian girl to hand him art of him with Lord- only- knows- who. Either that or for the damning text from whoever was his “partner” in the art. Or perhaps the whole group. He tapped his fingers against the desk, tried to distract himself playing with his erasers, he wanted anything to get his mind off of it until it happened. 

He made it through almost the ENTIRE day without incident. It was driving him NUTS. Butters got Stan which was insanely weird, Kyle got Cartman which was just insane period, and even Jimmy had a partner in the art. Not Kenny though. Kenny had no pairing. Yet. He knew there would be a fucking yet… Cartman that bastard was up to something.

It wasn't until the walk home that he realized what was wrong. He was grabbed by large hands and yanked into an alley. He pushed away from the strong body and whirled with his fists raised.

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing?! You scared the shit out of me!” He yelled through his hoodie.

Clyde raised his hands in surrender. “Wait wait! I can explain!” He yelled. Kenny sighed and relaxed, that gave Clyde the bravery to relax too. It was comical that a guy as big as Clyde was afraid of a guy as scrawny as Kenny. Years of neglect and malnutrition had stunted his height and made gaining muscles difficult. Kenny found a way to come out on top though. 

“Well?” Kenny asked.

“We are a ship in the yaoi art…” Clyde told him. “Lisa handed it to me during seventh period.” He pulled the art out of his backpack and handed it to Kenny. It was them, very obviously, sitting on a couch together. Kenny was sat in Clyde’s lap, wrapped in his letterman jacket, and pressing a kiss to Clyde’s cheek.

Kenny raised a brow. He felt Clyde was an odd choice for him. They were too similar and he was pretty sure they were both straight. 

“Dude let's just ignore it.” Kenny shrugged. He turned to leave and as he did Stan and Butters walked by holding hands. He stopped with his jaw dropped. Then he ran out of the alley. “Stan, Butters, wait!” 

They stopped and turned to face him. “What's up Kenny?” Stan asked.

“Dude…” Clyde ran up behind Kenny, panting hard. “Why didn't… you wait?” he panted. His hands rested on his knees as he bent down to catch his breath.

“Nevermind that! What are you two doing?” Kenny asked the new couple. Butters began rubbing his knuckles together and Stan shrugged. 

“Well, we are gonna go on a date. I offered to take Butters to Bennigans.” Stan said as if it was obvious.

“Why? You don't actually believe that art turns you gay do you??” Kenny was so confused he couldn't help waving his arms as he spoke.

“I mean, there must be something to it. Tweek and Craig are happy… and Kyle and Cartman kissed so-”

“KYLE AND CARTMAN KISSED?!” Clyde yelled from behind Kenny. 

“Dude… you're kidding right?” Kenny interrogated. “You're fucking with us right??” 

“Well why would we do that Ken? Kyle told Stan himself!” Butters tilted his head like a puppy. “Why are you so worried anyway? The Asians didn't make yaoi of you today.” He shrugged.

“Yeah man. I'm not really worried about it. Even Wendy was okay with me and her breaking up.” Stan sighed and pulled Butters along. “Come on, we should go before they close.” 

Kenny waited until they were gone to turn to Clyde. “Dude…” was all he could say.

“You don't think they're right, do you?” Clyde asked. He seemed nervous and almost stupefied.

“No man, I mean, it's just art right?” Kenny began walking away. “I'll see ya later…”

“Can't fight it!” Kenny stopped and turned to Craig. “Seriously dude… it's better to just go with it.” He pulled Tweek closer and put an arm on his shoulder.

“You're kidding right?” Kenny growled. “It's ridiculous. I prefer boobs, and girls!”

“Well, Clyde has little boobs…” Tweek mumbled. Craig laughed and tried to cover his mouth with his hand to block out the noise. 

“Tweek! How could you?” Clyde yelled. “Besides I prefer girls too!”

“Kenny's got curves like a girl.” Tweek said even quieter. Craig busted out laughing so hard he had to put his hands on his knees. 

“What did he say?” Clyde asked. 

“Nothing, just trust us okay? Go on one date, and try to have a nice time…” Craig stood and took Tweek's hand again.

“Okay.” Clyde said quickly.

“What?!” Kenny rounded on him.

“Craig is my Best Bud. If he says it's best to give it a try, I'll trust him. Besides, it's just one date…” Clyde shrugged. Kenny sighed heavily. “I can meet you for a movie if you want… I'll buy.” 

Kenny grunted. “Fine, but I'm only going for a free movie.” He grumbled. “And I wanna pick!” He added as an afterthought. They both continued walking, but they didn't hold hands. Kenny wasn't ready for that yet.

Tweek looked at Craig with a grin. “So, wanna make a bet?” He grinned.

“Ohh~ you know me so well. What's the bet?” Craig raised a brow with a slight smirk. 

“If I win, I want a backrub. If you win,” He leaned in to whisper. “I'll borrow the skirt from last year’s play and wear it around your house all Saturday while your parents are gone.” and then he licked Craig’s neck and backed up.

“Damn babe, that's some steep stakes. What are we getting over?”

“How soon til they have sex?” Tweek asked.

“Like, anal or oral?” Craig clarified.

“hmm… either.” Tweek leaned his head on Craig’s shoulder.”I say they at least blow each other by the end of the week.”

“Little fast don't ya think? Nah, Clyde’s too gentlemanly for that… I say two weeks.” Craig kissed Tweek’s hand. “You better dig the skirt out of the store room…”

“Just wait. I could still win.” Tweek argued. “Anyway, did you see the other yaoi couples?”

“Do I care?” Craig deadpanned.

“Dude, they paired Stan with Butters.” Tweek giggled.

“Pft. Hope Marsh likes crybabies.” Craig kissed Tweek’s cheek. “Wanna go to my house and play with Stripe?”

“Yes. Do you need to ask?” Tweek began pulling Craig along.


End file.
